I don't love You, but I always will.

Staying in one place can be so hard sometimes... especially when you don't know why you're still here.

For a while I’ve been constantly pursuing finding a job in music, chasing dreams, having adventures and living life with passion. I haven’t always done a good job of that, but it’s been my hope to live a life like that…. And I’ve written about this before, many times.

  But today, I’m not sure where God wants me. I met with my pastor yesterday and he said to me, “Megan, for whatever reason, God obviously wants you here right now… You have been putting so much effort into finding what’s next, and nothing has worked out!” I have to admit, when he first said that, it felt kinda like a punch to the stomach. I felt like my failure was being rubbed in my face and I felt mocked. But I know my pastor right… for whatever reason that is still a mystery to me, God’s not letting me leave. This isn’t some new idea to me – I have known for a while that there is a reason that God hasn’t let any of these possible jobs work out in California or Texas or Nashville. It was weird, however, to hear someone else say it. And I think that’s why it hurt a little bit…. Before it was simply a method of coping and trying to keep myself thinking positively…. But to hear someone else say it, meant that it might actually be true. That God might actually want me here, in Grabill, Indiana.

  I don’t think I could ever put into words how insanely frustrating that last sentence is to me. I long to live in community with musicians and creative people who use their art to influence the world. I long to be inspired, and in turn to inspire others. I want to become better at my craft… to be challenged by working and playing alongside incredibly talented creative professionals. My heart literally feels empty when it thinks about trying to pursue the life of a musician here in small-town Indiana. And yet, I am still here. And I am terrified that I will be stuck here.

 I am yearning so deeply for something I have been working hard for over the past 6 or more years. I’ve spend countless hours and thousands of dollars. I’ve tried to stay positive and looked for opportunities to take advantage of that might get me closer to getting a job in the music industry. And all of a sudden, it hits me like a brick wall that I’m still here, in the middle of nowhere, not getting any closer to the music industry job I’ve dreamed of.

 Maybe God is slowly breaking me… I certainly feel broken and abandoned.


 I hate to break it to you, but I have no positive resolution to this post. I guess sometimes it’s ok to have that. I’d ask that you’d consider praying for me. I’m in a lot of emotional & spiritual pain thinking through all of these things. Pray that wherever God leads, or wherever He keeps me, that I would set aside my desires for His much greater purpose. Pray that through these discouraging and uncertain times, that I would be able to find joy in serving Him and praising His name. I don’t cry often, but it’s hard to keep the tears from coming when all I have are questions and confusion to bring before His throne. I wish it were as easy as saying, “He’s my Father, and I will serve Him joyfully.” Right now, it’s anything but easy, and I have suffered a lot of guilt when I try to lead a worship rehearsal or get up in front of a congregation each week and lead them in singing praises. I do still love singing those songs and leading those rehearsals…. But I can tell my heart just isn’t it in like it used to be. I guess you can suffer a broken heart in a spiritual relationship heart as well.


It seems appropriate to end with this song by The Civil Wars, “Poison & Wine”.  If this were a song about God and I.... well.... it'd be very appropriate.

You only know what I want you to

I know everything you don't want me to

Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine

Oh you think your dreams are the same as mine

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

I always will

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back

The less I give the more I get back

Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise

I don't have a choice but I still choose you

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

I always will

I always will

I always will

I always will

I always will

Regarding Relationships

Regarding relationships, people are generally in one of the following 5 categories:  single, dating, engaged, married, and divorced.  Nearly all of my friends are in one of the first 4 categories.  The older I get, the less friends I have in the "singles" category.   In fact, I also see a significantly less amount of friends falling under the "dating" category as well. 

I'll be the first to admit that being single can have some pretty frustrating consequences (though that may not be the appropriate word to use).  For example.... being the 3rd, 5th, or 7th wheel.  Constantly having people saying "Hey, (insert guy's name) seems like a great guy... attractive, creative, fun, and loves the Lord.... what about him???".... to which I kindly remind my "in-relationship" friends that we single people don't go hunting on the weekends for other single people, and unlike some desperate singles I do know, I don't plan on spending every waking moment plotting how to get more attention from other men.  Also, there's always the family vacation scenerios where each couple is supposed to cook a meal for the others... or each couple gets a date night out... or each couple gets their own bedroom, but the single person must sleep on the couch in the basement (true story).  How about weddings?  Do you take a date?  Don't you?  To answer that question, you first have to ask every other single person you know going to find out if they are taking a date, realizing the whole time it is absolutely ridiculous to feel the need to do so.   I usually opt out of taking a date.... mostly because, revisiting paragraph #1, I have very few single male friends..... and, I don't like taking guys who will get awkward about it (yes, I'm talking to all of you Taylor University, or any other Christian college students, who were shamefully bred to react this way in social situations).

Now, since I'm a musician, I do spend quite a bit of time with other guys, even in one-on-one situations.  A lot of times other single girls see that as some sort of "step ahead" of the rest.  If I'm around guys so much at rehearsals, shows, church, in the studio, etc.... then surely I am more likely to meet someone, right?  Wrong.  The reason I can say this with so much assurance is because I have been single for 5 years now, and have been spending even more time with male musicians than I did when I was dating (there may actually be a correlation between those, since my last boyfriend wasn't exactly thrilled about my spending so much time with other male musicians).   I would also say that when I'm with those guys, my mind is so focused on the music that I usually don't even give the whole "are they dating, or single?" question any thought.  They are my friends... my colleagues... my bandmates... my creative sounding boards... my fellow dreamers.   In fact, I can be somewhat over protective of it... I don't like it when other girls come in and try to steal the show, because that whole "craving fame" thing is not what we're going for either.... we're artists trying to create, not famous musicians out for the stardom (though, I doubt any of us would argue if it were handed to us).  Luckily I have had the pleasure of working with a handful of female musicians who get that, and who don't use their position as a musician to try and get boyfriends (trust me ladies, it ain't gonna work like that). 

Basically, being single can be a royal pain sometimes.  But there is something beautiful about being single:  freedom.   I'm not here to make those of you who are dating, engaged or married feel depressed about the things you've had to give up to be with your special someone.... God has blessed you with that person, and you can find so much joy & companionship in that relationship.  However, from a single's perspective, God wants to use me just as much as the two people in a relationship.  And, for that matter, I think God blesses single people with the gift of freedom to allow us to experience life more fully on our own.  For example.... I love to travel.  Any of you who know me at all, know that I am gone all the time on some new adventure.  I only worry about my schedule, my money, my wants, and my needs.  I can be selfish with everything.  Ok, not really.... [insert some church answer about everything is God's, and nothing is really my own].... but in a narrower perspective, yes, I can be selfish.  I've been able to pursue music as much as I want... and not have to worry about some jealous boyfriend sitting at home.  I've also been able to try new things, and not feel the need to run it by someone else first.  For example:  moving to California for 3 months on a whim.  Maybe a boyfriend wouldn't have said not to do it.... but I know it would've been even harder to just pack up and leave so suddenly, and I probably would've felt guilty or something for doing it.  Also, I don't have the distraction of someone else in my life to take away from what God is trying to teach me and show me through this time of my life.  I'm so glad to know that while I'm growing into the person God wants me to be, knowing that when the time is right, God will bring a relationship into my life.  I happened to see someone write, "I'm ready when God's ready" the other day.... and that is exactly what I think the single person's perspective should be.  We fail, a lot, to maintain that mindset.  But wouldn't you agree that the gift of being single can be powerful, inspiring and freeing? 

I'd like to challenge two groups of people....

First, to the people in relationships, engaged, or married.... continue seeking how God wants to use you together as a couple, but also as individuals.  I don't believe God has called people into marriage to forget who they were before.  Cherish the person you're with for who they really are.  Also, don't hesitate to encourage your single friends.... don't pressure them by suggesting they pursue that eye-catching person across the room, but rather encourage them by showing interest & excitement towards what they are doing with their life.  My friends have been SO great about doing that for me, and words can't even explain how encouraging it is!

Second, to the single person.... first and foremost, understand that it is OK to feel lonely and frustrated, as long as you trust God to use you regardless.  If you're in your mid-20's or 30's, you're at the age where people tend to put the unnecessary pressure on you to find someone.... but I challenge you to embrace this gift of time & freedom, and do something extraordinary with it!  Create, experience, indulge, inspire others, volunteer, and allow God to shape you into a better man or woman who can be used for His glory.

Till I write again.... 

                                              .... here's a picture of me with this cutie (Owen)
  

Thanks.

I’m glad that I can sit here and be somewhat overwhelmed at how much I have to be thankful for. So much so that I’m a little unsure of why I’m even writing this list, because I could write and write and write for hours and still not have everything down. At the same time, I think it speaks a lot about a person when they write the top things they are thankful for. I’m not entirely sure what my list will say about me, but I’ve decided to at least mention some of the big ones for me this past year:


I’m thankful for (in a not-so-particular order):

1. Faith
2. Family
3. Friends, both near and far
4. A job where I get to learn cool programs like Photoshop, InDesign, and Illustrator
5. The opportunity to be a worship leader at Crossview Church
6. All the traveling I’ve been able to do in the past year
7. The new adventures I’ve embarked on
8. Meeting new people and building new relationships
9. The ability to write, rehearse, record, and perform music with other musicians and on so many different instruments
10. The freedom at this point in my life to literally pursue whatever I want
11. Art, in every form it comes in
12. Photographs and the memories they bring back
13. Being able to meet on Sundays with other believers and freely worship our Savior
14. Electricity…. seriously
15. People who trust me and who believe in me
16. My adorable niece and nephew…. They never fail to bring a smile to my face
17. Prayer, and knowing that even when we are alone, God is with us
18. Taylor University, and how those 4 years shaped who I am today
19. The food on the table every day
20. Legos… because they are just that awesome.


 
What are you thankful for?

In Three Years

I recently had to write out my professional goals for three years from now for a job I applied for.  It made me take a look at where I would like to be, a little more specific than what I'm used to thinking about.  I normally just say "I want to be in a job I can be passionate about".  Ok, who doesn't want that?  So, I had to get a little more specific than that, and I thought I would share what I wrote with you...

In three years, I would like to be working for an established company in the music industry, with a position that allows me to be involved in creative marketing, event planning and music production.  I want to be able to work with teams of creative people to brainstorm ideas, develop goals and produce results.   My goal is to remain versatile, and to obtain a job that requires skill in music, business and design.  I desire a position that will allow me to collaborate with other music professionals, learn new skills through hands-on experience and work directly with the music and artists who are performing it.  I have a wide range of interests, and hope to be in a position that will allow me to channel these all into the work I do.  Apart from working in the marketing and management side of the music industry, I also want to be active as a songwriter, performer and worship leader.  In addition, I desire to help inspire and educate students and young adults who are interested in pursuing a career in music.  I want to be able to mentor and influence others in a positive way whether that is through my professional job or in my personal life.  As a Christian, my professional aspirations take the backseat to where God leads.  While I have hopes for where I will be in three years and even further down the road, I am trying to surrender those desires to God’s will and His calling.  Above all, my biggest desire is to be in a position where I can use and strengthen the gifts God has given me to ultimately make a positive difference in people’s lives.

I want to stand in awe.

I haven’t known my whole life that I would want to spend my life traveling. I grew up traveling around the country with my family. We took vacations to wondrous places…. traveling through the states, eager to discover something new. Sometimes we drove. Sometimes we went by train. Sometimes we took our RV. We did a lot of camping. We did a lot of driving. Rarely did we stay in a hotel. When I was younger, I didn’t fully appreciate these circumstances. I did love traveling in the camper though. If you never have, you are really missing out.



The point is… I’ve grown up, at least a little bit. And as I’ve grown up, my appreciation of all the travels I did when I was younger has also grown. Little did I realize back then how much those travels would transform the way I viewed the world, and the way I viewed life. Not everyone gets the luxury or privilege of traveling, and for that reason I feel very blessed for having had those experiences. At a young age, my mind and imagination were captivated by ideas of promise and potential. It was everywhere:  in the landscape, in the history, in the open roads and flowing rivers.  I don’t know about you, but for me it’s impossible to stand at the edge of the Grand Canyon, see the crystal clear & aqua blue waters in the Bahamas, or watch a sunset at the top of a mountain and not have some sort of epic song playing in my head, accompanied by a sense of awe, wonder, joy, appreciation, and the presence of God. It opens up your eyes to how much bigger this world is… and just how much bigger our God is. It’s made me look at life as full of possibilities, because I’ve seen them… I know they exist.



“Embark”. If any of you read the blog entry I wrote towards the beginning of this year, this word was the focus. It was right before I left to work for FILTER magazine in California, and it really became the word I have tried to live by this year. I saw it as embracing change, creating & living adventures, and even challenging myself to step out in faith and to experience the unknown. I can say, with much honesty, that I’ve struggled in many areas of my life this year… but that I have been successful at embarking on many new journeys. I have traveled more this year than any other year of my life. I have experienced independence in a very new way. I have stepped out of my comfort zone in many ways…. Travels I’ve had, new ways I’ve started serving others and the church, stretching myself musically, financially, and even letting go of things or people that I held on to for far too long. There is not much for me to say about all of these things except that it’s been an incredible year. It’s been very tough… stressful… lonely… confusing… inconsistent… and many more things. But, looking back over the year, I can’t help but think “Wow. That was incredible.” I felt like I lived with passion, an appetite for adventure, if you will.



I know life won’t always be like this… full of opportunities and adventure. Or is that a belief that we’ve fallen into? Can we continue to live life with this kind of eagerness? I sure hope so. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Haven’t we been given the gift of life, and the ability to live it abundantly and to the fullest? I’m sure some of you think I’m naïve. I’m still young… I haven’t been married… I don’t have children… I don’t even have a real career started… and I still live with my parents. It’s true I haven’t experience a lot of life’s hardships… but on the flip side, all of those could also be reasons for me to get discouraged (and believe me, I do get discouraged almost daily). So, is that going to determine the choices I make? When it comes to the big picture, will I still pursue the extraordinary? Yes. The answer is yes. And I hope it will always be yes.



There will always be excuses to stay put and stay comfortable…. But I don’t buy it. Why risk it? That type of lifestyle seems a lot like conforming to the patterns of this world. Why not say, “God, I’m going to do something extraordinary. I don’t have to be the most successful. I don’t have to be good at it. I don’t have to make sense to other people… but, I’m going to do it, because I want you to reveal yourself to me in new ways, through new people. I want to stand in awe.” It’s that mindset that I hope to hold on to my entire life. I want to live life to the fullest… I want to see the possibilities… I want to be captivated… I want to stand in awe.

Heartache, How I've Missed You

Call me crazy, (and trust me, I feel a little uncertain writing what I’m about to discuss), but doesn’t heartache feel good sometimes? Have you ever heard athletes refer to their sore muscles by using the phrase “it hurts so good”…? Well, I’m not going to say that the heartache I’m facing right now actually feels good, but in a way it’s encouraging.

Before I explain too much, let me start from where this all stemmed from. I’m usually pretty good about handling disappointment… and I can’t tell if it’s because I let people walk all over me, because I expect the worst in situations, or if I’m naturally forgiving and capable of adjusting to unexpected changes easily. I’ve always seen this as a good thing – I just roll with the punches, and take what comes my way and learn to adjust. In some, or maybe even most situations, this IS a good thing. However, one thing I’ve learned about myself just recently that has really left me feeling a bit distraught is summed up in these lyrics by Ellery:

The best things are the hardest sell, 
We mostly love, then run like hell. 
It’s easier to let it go - 
To leave before you’re left alone.

Translation: I typically keep myself at a far enough distance from people so that I don’t get hurt.  Part of me is just an independent person who isn’t afraid to step away from the everyday and pursue the extraordinary (and thus not staying in one place for too long), But the other part of me loves people just enough to get the warm, fuzzy feeling of friendship… yet I am terrified to put my heart on the line. A lot of this is probably because there have been a few times I have tried to take that next step and it’s blown up in my face. I’ve had my fair share of experience of getting left or mistreated by people I was once close friends with.  I'm not saying this because I'm bitter... I have forgiven all of those people and have no grudges again them.  Everyone makes mistakes and I'm sure I have hurt people in the past without realizing it.  I simply point out those experiences to say that they may have played a big part in how I handle relationships with people now.  I’m actually thrilled to say that for the first time in a long time, I have many very healthy and encouraging friendships… and that is such a blessing.  But, there is still this issue of how past experiences have shaped the way I handle things today. I’ve struggled to allow myself to care deeply about someone or something, for fear of being left, being hurt, or being embarrassed. Some people care too much about everything and their heart gets trampled on every day…. I, on the other hand, forgot what it felt like to feel heartache altogether.


Until now.


When I flew out to California for the job interview, for the first time in a long time I was incredibly excited for something and was putting my whole heart into it. I put so much time into preparing for that interview and could hardly contain my excitement. It was like I finally found a dream to pursue that made every fiber of my being shake with anticipation. And then… I didn’t get the job. Not only did I not get the job, but I didn’t even get the 2nd interview. I was crushed. I still am. And, on top of that, my heart has been longing to be in California for a while now – I have made great connections and friends out there – and so getting on the plane to fly back to Indiana once again made my heart feel like it was getting torn into pieces. Now that I’m back in Indiana, I’m still struggling… a lot. Sure, I’m trying to keep my mind off of it… I’m back to leading worship at church, which I love… and I am now going to be leading the high school girls’ Bible study at church, which is going to be a new, exciting, and challenging experience. I’ll be playing volleyball on Tuesday nights again, and having my lunch dates with friends when possible. Of course, I'll be practicing guitar, piano, saxophone and working on writing some new songs, as well as trying to collaborate with other musicians around the US, and yes, even around the world (I'm currently collaborating on a project based out of Malaysia!).  I’ve found a routine that helps me to “survive” through this heartache… but my heart DOES ache. Every day. I don’t feel content – I feel like my heart is elsewhere… that only my body and mind are here in Indiana. For the first time in a long time, I actually feel somewhat miserable and desperately want things to change.   


Here’s the up-side to all of this. I’m feeling the heartache. My heart is longing, very much, for something… for someone… for some place… for some experience. I’ve found things I care deeply for, and I put myself on the line for them, and I don’t regret it. I am so glad that I know this feeling again. I am still left longing after many things that I don’t have right now…. Friendships, a job I love, opportunities to perform & write music regularly with other musicians, a special someone, my own apartment, a new vehicle... My own life. I still feel stuck where I’ve always been. The home I grew up in, in the same town, a lack of music opportunities, a lot of the same people, and therefore all the same expectations of me. It’s making me claustrophobic, and it’s driving me crazy. But, for the first time in a long time, my heart is actually yearning for something, so much so that it hurts. I want to use my abilities, my passions, and my faith and make a difference in people’s lives. I want to give and to receive love… and I want it to come so naturally that I know I’m in the right profession, with the right person, and in the right place. When I was in California, I really felt like that was the place…. Like it is a place I could call home, at least for a couple years.  I've placed some roots there... now I'm just waiting to see if God is going to water them and allow them to grow into something more.


I don’t know where God will lead in the upcoming months or years… but one thing I am certain of is that this struggle I am going through is making me absolutely miserable and yet filled with so much hope for what is to come.
 
Heartache… how I’ve missed you.

California. Sunday. September 12.

This morning is a grey and somewhat chilly day in San Diego, but I don’t mind the lack of sunshine at all. In fact, in a weird way, it’s almost a relief to know that California weather isn’t actually perfect all the time. I think I’d really miss wearing sweatshirts if it were warm all the time… but now that I know it does get chilly, I don’t need to worry about that at all! Planes are flying overhead… quite loudly… but I can’t see them in the cloudy sky. I’m staying in Ocean Beach (OB) at a friend of a friend’s house. Thank goodness for friends. I would’ve most likely had to stay in a hotel had it not been for my friend Jay McCann being willing to pick me up from the airport and find a place for me to stay this weekend! It’s also so nice to see a friend before going into Monday. It helps me feel a lot less anxious. This morning I’m going to go to his church, Flood, with him…. I’m looking forward to it! So far my time in San Diego has been spent eating at a couple local places by the beach, going to an improv comedy show, figuring out car rental details, preparing for my interview, visiting the OB Jazz Festival, and watching Good Will Hunting curled up underneath multiple layers of blankets since I made the poor choice of not bringing a sweatshirt with me.



Well, tomorrow is the big day. Interview day. (insert dramatic sound effect)


I’d really appreciate your prayers going into this! I know that the competition for this job is probably pretty big… but I’m trying to stay positive and remind myself that they wouldn’t have had me fly all the way out from Indiana if I weren’t VERY qualified for this position. At least I would hope not! I’m so excited about this interview, but I also know not to get my hopes up. I want to go in with a positive attitude and show that I would work hard and would be very passionate about working in the position of Concert Hall Manager. I know I could do such a good job at this job if given the chance. Please pray for clear thinking & speaking, humble confidence, enthusiasm & positivity, and the ability to remember well and draw from past experiences both in the meeting with the committee members and while I’m working on the computer to complete whatever assignments they are having me complete in Adobe Photoshop, Illustrator, InDesign, Word, or Publisher. Also, please pray that everything with the rental car works out and that I make it to MiraCosta without any major problems! Here’s my interview info:

Monday
September 13th
1:30 pm (California time)
4:30 pm (Indiana time)
Oceanside, CA at MiraCosta College
Position: Concert Hall Manager


Thanks again for your prayers and I will be sure to keep writing updates throughout these 2 weeks in California!


P.s. I am currently listening to a playlist my friend Val wanted me to make suggestions for based off of the song “They’re in Love, Where am I?” by the Weepies. The following songs are on that playlist:

1. They’re In Love, Where Am I? - Weepies
2. Around the Bend - Greg Laswell
3. Sitting, Wishing, Waiting - Jack Johnson
4. The Guy That Says Goodbye To You Is Out Of His Mind - Griffin House
5. Go Easy Little Doves, I’ll Be Fine - Brooke Waggoner
6. Wake Up Alone - Amy Winehouse
7. Much Afraid - Jars of Clay
8. I Miss You - Coldplay
9. All For Believing - Missy Higgins
10. Why Do They Leave? - Ryan Adams
11. Strange and Unprepared - Copeland
12. Alone Apart - Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova
13. Say You Miss Me - Wilco
14. It’s Alright - Ellery
15. Where In the World Are You - Great Lake Swimmers
16. Long Drive Home - Bjork Ostrom
17. Closer To Me - Future of Forestry

(OB Jazz Festival)

(On the pier at Ocean Beach)