Thursday, December 9, 2010

I don't love You, but I always will.

Staying in one place can be so hard sometimes... especially when you don't know why you're still here.

For a while I’ve been constantly pursuing finding a job in music, chasing dreams, having adventures and living life with passion. I haven’t always done a good job of that, but it’s been my hope to live a life like that…. And I’ve written about this before, many times.

  But today, I’m not sure where God wants me. I met with my pastor yesterday and he said to me, “Megan, for whatever reason, God obviously wants you here right now… You have been putting so much effort into finding what’s next, and nothing has worked out!” I have to admit, when he first said that, it felt kinda like a punch to the stomach. I felt like my failure was being rubbed in my face and I felt mocked. But I know my pastor right… for whatever reason that is still a mystery to me, God’s not letting me leave. This isn’t some new idea to me – I have known for a while that there is a reason that God hasn’t let any of these possible jobs work out in California or Texas or Nashville. It was weird, however, to hear someone else say it. And I think that’s why it hurt a little bit…. Before it was simply a method of coping and trying to keep myself thinking positively…. But to hear someone else say it, meant that it might actually be true. That God might actually want me here, in Grabill, Indiana.

  I don’t think I could ever put into words how insanely frustrating that last sentence is to me. I long to live in community with musicians and creative people who use their art to influence the world. I long to be inspired, and in turn to inspire others. I want to become better at my craft… to be challenged by working and playing alongside incredibly talented creative professionals. My heart literally feels empty when it thinks about trying to pursue the life of a musician here in small-town Indiana. And yet, I am still here. And I am terrified that I will be stuck here.

 I am yearning so deeply for something I have been working hard for over the past 6 or more years. I’ve spend countless hours and thousands of dollars. I’ve tried to stay positive and looked for opportunities to take advantage of that might get me closer to getting a job in the music industry. And all of a sudden, it hits me like a brick wall that I’m still here, in the middle of nowhere, not getting any closer to the music industry job I’ve dreamed of.

 Maybe God is slowly breaking me… I certainly feel broken and abandoned.


 I hate to break it to you, but I have no positive resolution to this post. I guess sometimes it’s ok to have that. I’d ask that you’d consider praying for me. I’m in a lot of emotional & spiritual pain thinking through all of these things. Pray that wherever God leads, or wherever He keeps me, that I would set aside my desires for His much greater purpose. Pray that through these discouraging and uncertain times, that I would be able to find joy in serving Him and praising His name. I don’t cry often, but it’s hard to keep the tears from coming when all I have are questions and confusion to bring before His throne. I wish it were as easy as saying, “He’s my Father, and I will serve Him joyfully.” Right now, it’s anything but easy, and I have suffered a lot of guilt when I try to lead a worship rehearsal or get up in front of a congregation each week and lead them in singing praises. I do still love singing those songs and leading those rehearsals…. But I can tell my heart just isn’t it in like it used to be. I guess you can suffer a broken heart in a spiritual relationship heart as well.


It seems appropriate to end with this song by The Civil Wars, “Poison & Wine”.  If this were a song about God and I.... well.... it'd be very appropriate.




You only know what I want you to
I know everything you don't want me to
Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
Oh you think your dreams are the same as mine
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
I always will

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
The less I give the more I get back
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice but I still choose you
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will

1 comment:

  1. What an amazing song. The song could pretty much define my walk with God right now too. I love you, Megan. You bless me.

    Em

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