Thursday, January 21, 2010

It's a Thursday

Literally the only reason I am sitting down to write this is 1.) I have the time and 2.) I feel somewhat guilty for having not written in 2 weeks.

You know those moments in life when you finally break after trying to pretend like everything is ok?

I've been pretending like things are ok now for a few months, in one particular area of my life. And it's funny how since this one area of my life suddenly collapsed, the other areas of my life seem to have gotten dragged down with it. I've started to really question what God is doing with me right now. I'm living at home, working 2 part-time jobs, haven't had many opportunities to do music outside of leading worship, and I feel very alone. They always say that you can be in a crowd of people and still feel utterly alone. Well, I would have to argue that it can be much worse to be surrounded by no people, and literally be alone.

Don't get me wrong... I am blessed in many ways. I have a job... 2, in fact. I'm saving money by living at home. I'm learning new things.

But whatever used to make me feel alive has left for a while. I've suddenly felt boring... unattractive... creatively stagnant... spiritually complacent... unhealthy... short-tempered... tired... sad... discontented... and stuck.

I cling to verses about hope during these times.... Romans 5:3-5 comes to mind - a verse I have hanging right above my bed. "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us."

I know this will pass... but today, I have too much time to think about it.

I guess that's what happens when it's a Thursday.

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